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The circus is in town as the SNP leadership hustings began its national tour: confessing wasting taxpayer dosh, plans to evangelise the plumbers and doomsday thermometers

ONLY the third hustings, but already the SNP leadership race has set the cause of independence back twenty years. Here is a brief round-up of the zany ideas and peculiar concepts our trying trio of SNP hopefuls have outlined so far. Grab your popcorn as we have confessions of wasted taxpayer dosh, plans to evangelise the plumbers and doomsday thermometers…

Humza’s help

SNP front runner and continuity candidate for gravy trains everywhere has given some helpful insights about how he imagines things are going. According to Mr Yousaf the pro-independence papers Ms Sturgeon has had civil servants working on have proven a bit of a waste of time. Apparently the prospectus published on the taxpayers dime to the tune of £1.5m is a giant flop since “nobody reads” any of it…

Dean M Thomson @DeanMThomson

£1.5m taxpayer money spent on an independence prospectus that Mr Yousaf now accepts "nobody reads".

But not to worry, he has his solution to turn things around: the “wellbeing economy”. Coming soon to a town near you is Mr Yousaf’s “wellbeing economy” which he insists he can build. He has been a tad vague on the details, and it remains unclear why after 16 years in power there’s still no sign of it.

Dean M Thomson @DeanMThomson

SNP hopeful argues he wants his "wellbeing economy" to prioritise eradicating child poverty. Only problem is, there are more kids in poverty today than when Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister. Oops?

And if any of you still retain concerns Humza insists you can rest easy. Not only is he the man with the plan to give you “wellbeing”, his experience as Health Minister proves he has the skillset to deliver…

Dean M Thomson @DeanMThomson

Humza Yousaf in Glenrothes claims he "has what it takes" to "build a wellbeing economy" on the basis he did such a bang-up job running health (no, really)

Unkind minds may doubt the veracity of Mr Yousaf’s claims about his record in office. Some people could point out that A&E waiting times are a disaster as the 4 hour waiting target is routinely missed. Or that things are so bad NHS Scotland executives have been discussing ending the 'free at point of need’ principle by bringing in charging.

We are at risk of finishing up with a two-tier healthcare service, but fear not because Health Minister Humza is hear to help with his “wellbeing economy”.

Thermometers at the ready

Accident and emergency waiting times may be among the worst ever recorded, and you probably can’t get a doctors appointment for love-nor-money, but that hasn’t stopped leadership hopeful Ash Regan. She boldly dismissed all of these concerns pressing on voters minds to reveal her bold method of winning independence: the “readiness thermometer”

Lewis McKenzie @LewisMcKenzie94

Ash Regan pitches the idea of a “readiness thermometer” to be on public display for independence. It would have dials on it so people can “see when we’ve made all the plans”, the SNP leadership candidate says.

Apparently the ‘voter empowerment mechanism’ won’t be enough to secure independence for Scotland. What is essential right now is a giant ‘readiness thermometer’ erected outside Glasgow City Chambers. It will have “a dial that moves” which can reassure the rough sleepers “all the plans” are in hand under the SNP.

Mind you, being a Glaswegian myself there is a very real risk the thermometer could be damaged by disaffected yoons…

“Hello Police? Someone has smashed the readiness thermometer again. Yeah, the readiness is all over the street and I’m worried someone will slip on it. No, the dial that moves is still fine”

Naturally enough the opposition have seized on her contribution like ducks take to water - not that you can blame them:

Jamie Halcro Johnston MSP @jhalcrojohnston

Can we have a “readiness thermometer” for the unfinished ferries?

Blair McDougall @blairmcdougall

Ok. So we’ve got Emma Harper doing the money, so turn that dial! Next: where are we going to lock up the yoons?

I don’t know about any of you, but I for one dislike the idea of having Ms Regan’s ‘voter empowerment readiness thermometer’ anywhere near me.

Calling all plumbers

But not to be outdone in the peculiarity stakes, Kate Forbes veiled her cunning plan to win hearts and minds. The best way, she insisted win independence is to have plumbers who come into contact with members of the public to sell the message.

Dean M Thomson @DeanMThomson

Kate Forbes insists the way to win independence is to have plumbers "who come into contact with members of the public" to sell the message. "How long until the cistern is fixed?" "Soon...have you heard about the claim of right?" "Look mate, you're on an hourly rate..."

I can just imagine how this will go down with ‘no’ voting punters stuck with an overflowing cistern. The conversation would probably go something like this:

"You need me to unblock the toilet? No problem. Now, did you hear about the claim of right?"

"Look mate, you're on an hourly rate..."

“Don’t worry it’ll be done in a jiffy. So can I ask what you think about Scotland being taken out of EU against its will?"

It's unclear if this proposal to win hearts and minds has been road-tested yet. But once it is, Ms Forbes might be in for a rude awakening.

There are still six more hustings to go folks, so the circus will be in town for a while longer.